I have chosen to write a blog; about the comings and goings, ramblings and musings of my mind… I have the arrogance to assume that you would want to read about me or the things that I am passionate about. Nevertheless, I am permitting myself this indulgence. I enjoy it and I find helpful to write away my mental clutter, offloading it onto readers, although hopefully in a way that gives, rather than takes.

I have had to check my motives for writing this blog as I am un-attractively self-obsessed at times! If not carefully regulated – I could drop off the page and attempt some far-fetched egoic fantasy.

I have learned from experience; that when I attempt to steer my life towards a particular outcome, all the magic disappears and the road becomes arduous and the destination fruitless. I fear I will hijack this blog and purpose it to my own selfish ends, deceiving my God-given talents in order to claim some fangled sense of personal glory.

I hope that I have not misconstrued the previous paragraph as a warning against taking action. No. We all have the capacity to take small strides towards great things…it is only in vain when the journey is contaminated with self-seeking motives.

I could, say, start a business with the sole aim of making me rich – I would never have enough. I could also take a topless photograph of myself and post it on the internet – I would never get enough likes! The whole game, no matter how clever its disguise, would be as futile an attempt at self-fulfillment; as a rat meandering its way towards a button it repeatedly presses for more cocaine; the rat repeatedly returns to the button until it dies.

Many people’s lives are intricate constructs of the same simple button; they are slaves. It would appear to be worsening from my perspective, though perhaps merely shifting with the times… I don’t know because I wasn’t around when I wasn’t…

Not a button I willingly intend to press, few do, and I am cautious; perhaps I unwittingly press it? Am I already it’s slave?

Anyhow, enough of that!

My experience has given me something I want to share; I have been through a lot and that means I want to help people who are still going through it; I have always said that you can’t pick-up what you can’t get underneath.

I have always found the snobbery of what “one does or doesn’t do” entertaining, I sometimes lose perspective on its importance; therefore I hope that writing about it will be entertaining for you and grounding for me!

If this blog has to do, or achieve something, to “work”; it won’t. If it does “work”; I find my egoic fantasy has come to fruition; I know what emptiness awaits.

The best things I have ever done, no matter how seemingly small, have come from a place of vulnerable authenticity; and that is where our true power lies!

I have an opportunity sat here at my desk; to type away the nastiness and negativity of my office and create something; perhaps this blog is a form of therapy?

Despite being a former drug addict and a resident of Her Majesty’s Home for the Bewildered; I am very much here. And keenly aware of the truth behind many a charade. I hope that in writing something semi-public; I am afforded the opportunity to overcome my tendency towards sycophancy and face criticism; holding true to what I believe and know to be true. A couple of lines about slings and arrows and keeping one’s head spring to mind.

I perhaps see this as a stepping stone to being mad all the time; that is the only real way to be. If I can write like no-one is reading, then perhaps I shall bring some of that authenticity into other areas of my life.

I have learned that I don’t know what’s best for me; I have the desire that this blog will raise me to fame and that all will rejoice in marvelous me; having finally put finger to key! That is unlikely and not necessarily what I need.

Despite my yearning for public recognition; there is a very real desire to do good and I sincerely do hope these words will help someone; I can already feel them helping me.

I believe I have found an oasis of self-expression while a corporate curfew on humanity is in effect.

I sit amongst despondent faces; staring emptily at screens or frantic squirreling under a mountain of work, they seem lost at sea, each alone in an unseen storm. Occasionally someone looks up or says “Hello” and has a real conversation with me, appearing as if they have taken out their earphones, which have been on full blast, for the first time in years; they had not even noticed they were wearing them.

In some of the worst cases; my colleague’s brains appear to be an autoclave of swarming wasps, each stinging with a different message, cowering internally amidst the angry noise, their uncertainty clear; incisiveness creating half-hearted action-plans in all directions. They are unable to escape. They cannot get out.

I can feel something fresh and different whilst I am writing; a fear of discovery indeed exists, the noise comes back, though I placate it with a “let go and it’ll take care of itself”.

I am taking a risk in writing this because it’s personal, a part of myself laid bare, though I am growing because of it.

My covert operation is clearing my blanket of fear and I feel more me again. Perhaps this blog is indeed a halfway house to owning who I am, and I think that makes this a step in the right direction!