I feel like I have a purpose, some task or function I am supposed to carry out in life. I want to lead and inspire other people, be successful at what I do and feel loved. There is a sense of urgency in me to find it and I have worried over whether I will ever have those things, whether I am on the right track and if I will ever be great, have a loving relationship and be able to look after a family.

I have put myself through a great deal of strife trying to achieve financial success, my great expectations of myself weighing heavily upon my mind. I feel stressed out by it all, drained and tired, yet I push on. The anxiety which arises from having placed so much expectation on a first date has left very little room for a deep laugh, that natural sense of wonder and authenticity that comes from simply being oneself.

In trying to force in to existence my image of how all those things look in real life and are to be achieved by when, I had lost all sense of vitality and joy.

I want to lead and inspire others and have this image of public acclaim, where I am seen as some shining beacon of hope, the vanquisher of evil and just rather amazing. That isn’t the case and may well never happen. However, when I stop lusting after that pretty egoic fantasy, an opportunity arises. I can live as an inspiring leader. I can stand for goodness and encourage other people in my daily life. Each interaction I have throughout the day can be a self-expression of leadership. Standing for an elderly person on the train, looking after myself and creating an air of warmth and being attentive to my colleagues at work.

So actually, I can tick that one off already…

I am Henry. I have looked lately at what success means to me and how I want to feel, rather than what model of F-Type Jaguar I would like to own. I feel happiest when I am fully self-expressed and don’t care about what others think. Like when I have a boogie, speak publicly or draw a penis on my friend’s car. I like it when I have days like that because I feel really happy, like when I used to ride my yellow pedal tractor around the farm. So what does success look like? Being Henry all the time.

Some people may say that it’s not always right to fully express yourself in all situations, that it isn’t professional or “socially acceptable” to be a certain way. True self-expression can only come from a place of love and it brings out the best in others too; you give of yourself.

Not long ago I was in a trendy club on the King’s Road; I wasn’t feeling particularly comfortable, everything seemed a bit awkward and pretentious. My autopilot of acting cool was in operation and I found things pretty hard work. There was this one person who was dancing to the chic house music. They were completely battered, subsequently didn’t care and were perfectly happy. I felt uncomfortable, confronted by my own prison of decorum and made fun of him to a friend. My friend challenged me, calling out my herd mentality and fear. The embarrassment flooded in as I faced the mental fear of social alienation, though I persevered and began to dance with the person. I pushed through and started to enjoy the freedom it gave me. One by one others joined and it was miraculous to see the relief on the faces of others who had been trapped in their own cages, all of us longing to be children again.

Eventually it was equally as socially acceptable to have fun boogie as it was to posture and drink Bollie! I loved that evening and I am so grateful I stopped pretending.

When I’m truly myself I have a deep sense of warmth about me. Others can feel it and I feel a real compassion for them. All of my relationships are then from a place of love and authenticity.

I haven’t got a family… I’m sure it’ll all work out fine though.

I don’t need to run through the street naked, get pink hair or a tattoo in order to feel self-expressed, though some may, however, I do ride an obnoxiously loud motorbike, wear pink trousers at work and dance in the Blue-bird, like no-one is watching.

Success for me is living well, enjoying today and trying my best, whilst remembering; I have enough, I know enough and most importantly – I am enough!

Love H